Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb.

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A2: None, lawyers only screw us.

A3: You won''t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you''re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A4: How many can you afford?

A5: Three. One to change it and two to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!!

A6: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.

A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

A8: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership.!

A9: None, he''ll have the paralegal do it. But, you''ll get the following bill: Item Light bulb Charge $2185 (Itemization of bill charges) Lawyer''s time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400 Connectivity charge $ 100 Staff charge $ 250 Secretary prepared bill $ 2 Research fee $ 422 Consulting fee $ 431 Paralegal processing fees $ 25 Specialized equipment $ 122 Bought bulb $ 5 Overnight express delivery $ 34 Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394 A10: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.

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